honoring a plan while honoring your need to change it.

I've always got a plan.  If I don't have a plan for it yet, I've got a plan to make a plan.  But what I am learning is how to be gentle with myself when my plan gets stagnant, altered or thrown out the window.

When I embarked on a committed journey to my wellness, you guessed it, I made a plan.  With the help of a wonderful friend, that plan got further organized.  It was beautiful to see my plan on paper.  I could visualize the changes I was making and felt like I had a great vehicle to get me where I wanted to go.  I still believe all that - nothing has changed.  However, I have recognized that the organizational process - for me - can become a shadow.

An example of this would be when I hit a road block in the *plan*.  Let's say for instance, that I have a plan to exercise X amount of times per week.  If I am not motivated to do it and ignore that goal - or even if something happens that makes me unable to exercise (injury, other commitments, etc), the shadow side of my organizing queen will show up.  This shadow manifests in the Going Back to the Drawing Board syndrome.  If I reach a hiccup, roadblock, etc., instead of picking up where I left off, or working my way around it, I'll take that opportunity to stall out and tell myself that the plan wasn't right.  Then time and energy (that could have gone towards exercising) goes towards more planning and organizing...making a better plan this time that anticipates all potential road blocks.  (riiiight!)

So here I am, about 2 1/2 months into my wellness plan and 2 weeks ago, I began to find those escape hatches.  Cause, you know... exercising isn't much fun anyway... and it takes time.... and it's a lot of work, and I have an injury on my foot, blah, blah, motherfuckingblah. 
*Now... in my defense, I will say that in that time period - it was a time of major inner work regarding shadow and confronting it... so no wonder this issue reared it's ugly head at that time!  At this point - emerging into the light - I can see it for what it is ~ Clearly.

So, I allowed myself those excuses and basically stopped exercising completely.  This time, I just ignored the fact that I had a plan in place at all.  Then, a few days back, I decided to review what goals I had made and the plans for getting there.  When I re-read the goal (and subsequent projects and action steps) of exercising regularly, my shadow kicked in.  I told myself "Well, this plan obviously didn't work!  Guess it's back to the drawing board to create a new plan that will fix everything."  Uh huh.

Almost literally as soon as that thought entered my head, I had the clarity of what was going on.  I was about to tie up all that energy and time into re-organizing a plan which was already exactly what it needed to be... I just needed to pick it back up and get moving again. 

I took another look at what I'd set out for myself (the original plan), got focused on it and closed the laptop. 

So...now I am back to another stall-out point for me which is What to do?  I can get caught up in this too and tell myself that I don't like any of the options, so I'll just go meditate, or journal or do laundry ... or anything but exercise.  This limiting belief is getting on my nerves.  So, I summoned the fire in myself and asked what was one thing that I had been telling myself that I couldn't do.  Yoga!  I've told myself for years that it's just not something I can do.  Here's some of the limiting beliefs I have around this.

1. I'm not flexible enough to do the poses.
2. I'm too tall or more importantly, my legs are too long.  (for instance, I can't properly do the sun salute series because I can't get my foot back up between my hands after plank... too much leg, not enough arm space)
3. I don't have enough upper body strength.
4. There's not enough space between my ribs and my hips for some of the bend moves.

When I write these down, they're ridiculous... but for years, this is what I've told myself.  Yoga is just not for me.  But all along, I've been drawn to it.  I've envied all the amazing women I know who practice it regularly.  I have a friend in her 60's who teaches it and looks like she's freakin 40.  Who doesn't want that?  Seriously!

With that thought, I got out the mat, found a blanket, my block and a strap and settled down in front of the tv.  I found a great beginnners yoga program on Exercise On Demand and went for it!  Guess what?  I got through it!  Did I look as graceful as all the people on the screen?  Helllll to the NO, but who cares!  Who was watching me?  The cats... that's who... and they encouraged me all the way.  LOL

Take THAT(!) limiting beliefs~!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What I've learned

I've recognized another way in which I set expectations on myself to follow the plan or throw it out the window.
I've seen how my limiting beliefs can stall me out, allowing me to sabbotage my work.
I've gained clarity about my process and how I need to be gentle with myself when the plan needs a little altering - even if only for a day or so.

And now, I'm off to do some yoga. Namaste!

photo: Free Stock Photos